Being Emo with Uchiha Sasuke
by Yuniz
Summary: It's the TV show that'll make you squeal!
1. Chapter 1: Intro

Steve Stevenson fiddled with his microphone. He adjusted his tie and sweat-dropped. "Okay, let's get this started."

The cameraman gave him a thumbs-up.

"Here goes," Steve took a deep breath, then flashed a dazzlingly bright smile at the camera.

"Welcome to Being Emo! with Uchiha Sasuke, the reality show that'll make you squeal!" Steve beamed as if his life depended on it. "I'm your host, Steve Stevenson. There is a young man out there seeking revenge and determined to avenge his family. He is constantly in a state of emotional angst. So," Steve opened his mouth wide, and took the opportunity to smile, "We are going to stalk him! We will follow him to every nook and cranny! You can join us here, on Being Emo! with Uchiha Sasuke," Steve's eyes darted off to the side. "There he is! Let's go,"

The entire television crew ran over to a brooding Sasuke.

"So, Sasuke, how is your emo self today?" Steve flashed a mouthful of white teeth.

Sasuke looked up at them. He stared blankly for a while, seeming to contemplate what to do. After a few minutes, he activated his Sharigan, and without warning, looked into Steve's eyes.

"Uh-" Steve was transported to a desert wasteland. He looked around, but could not see anything two meters away because of the strong wind. Shielding his eyes, Steve looked down at his arm to find that small black beetles were crawling all over his arm.

Oh, and did I mention that Steve had a phobia of beetles?

"AAAAAAHHHHH~!" Steve began to scream like a little girl.

Sasuke pushed himself up. Wordlessly, he flipped them off and walked away. The genjutsu was lifted and Steve fell to the earth. He fainted.

Rule #1 of communicating with Sasuke: Do NOT, under any circumstances, call Sasuke "emo".

* * *

AN: Steve & the gang are kinda like OCs, except they will not make any appearances after this story.


	2. Chapter 2: The Dark Side of Sasuke

At first, all Steve saw was black. He blinked and saw the faces of his concerned colleagues hovering above him.

"Are you alright, Steve?" the sound technician, Bridget, asked.

"The nerve of that Sasuke!" The cameraman, Otis, fumed.

"I'm good," Steve winced as he pushed himself up into a sitting position. "Let's get back to work!"

The makeup artist, Vivian, gasped. "Oh, no! You must rest!"

"Screw that!" Steve got to his feet. "We've got a T.V. show to film!"

The other crew members exchanged worried looks.

"Um, we'll discuss it," Lucy, his assistant, said. She motioned for the rest of the television crew to follow her into the woods. Steve watched them go, somewhat confused.

After they were a good distance away from Steve, Lucy pulled the crew into a huddle. "It's going perfectly. The whole plan is working out to perfection,"

"Yes, yes," snickered Lucy's assistant, Joel.

"We will let Steve continue. It is our only chance to win the love of Sasuke!" The director, John, whooped.

"FOR SASUKE!" The entire T.V. crew shouted, roughly pulling open their business jackets to reveal SASUKE LOVE t-shirts.

Steve watched from the meadow, wondering what on earth they were doing.

* * *

Sasuke walked into his apartment, locking the door behind him. He pulled the curtains together, and looked around to make sure no one else was in the room. Satisfied, he pulled a stereo out of his closet and plugged it in. He turned it on, and to the beat of a bass drum, fished a plastic razor out of the bag they had come in.

_My heart is being ripped to shreds_

_Torn to bits_

_Blood pools around me_

_A crimson reminder of bad luck_

Eyes shut tight, Sasuke placed the razor on his wrists. He pushed down and slit his wrist. Blood was freely pouring, and Sasuke had to quickly perform a healing jutsu to stop it.

_I can't see the light ahead_

_Trapped in a sea of midnight black_

_Those demons will never take me alive_

_Take me alive_

The angst filled teen allowed a single tear to drop onto his wounds. The stinging salt burned the cuts and caused Sasuke to cry even more, causing more pain. Though, the pain felt rather nice. It was a pleasure...if that makes any sense.

* * *

_At Akatsuki Headquarters..._

Hidan stood inside the symbol he had drawn on the coarse dirt. He watched the young girl in front of him clutching her bloody leg.

"Foolish girl," he smiled. "You should know better than to follow an older stranger," With that, he plunged a spear into his heart. His eyes watered with the pain, but he barely felt it upon seeing his victim writhe in agony.

"Yes! Feel the delightful pain," Hidan laughed. He was so happy right now. It always pleased him to inflict pain on others...and himself.

* * *

_Back in Konoha..._

Sasuke put away his razors and turned the stereo off. Now was poetry time.

He took out a blue notebook from his desk drawer. Pulling out his swivel chair, he sat down in it. After spinning around a few times just for the heck of it, Sasuke got down to business.

"Hmmm...." he murmured, taking a pencil and fiddling with it. A light bulb lit up in his brain, and he began to write.

_Blood No. 56_

_A Poem By Uchiha Sasuke_

_Nectar of life,_

_Gleams on a knife,_

_I can't take it anymore,_

_Down I go to the floor,_

_A slash and a cut_

_I was caught in a rut_

_I still am_

_My blood be damned_

Sasuke reread his poem several times, nodding in satisfaction. This was surely his best work to date.

There was a knock at the door. Against his better judgement, Sasuke decided to answer it.

"You again?"

"Yeah, it's us," Steve and the rest of the crew pushed their way into Sasuke's apartment. "Listen, Sasuke, I'm really sorry about what happened earlier. Our network would now like to air a new show - starring you! It's the chance of a lifetime! Whaddya say?"

Sasuke smiled wryly. He might as well humor them. "Alright, but you have to read my poem,"

"Deal,"

* * *

AN: The entire T.V. crew except for Steve are Sasuke fangirls/fanboys. I made up the song lyrics and poem. Hidan is like a hardcore emo cutter XD Sasuke doesn't have anything on him.


	3. Chapter 3: Brotherly Love

Sasuke ambled along on the dirt road, the television crew in close pursuit.

"So, Sasuke, tell us about your brother," Steve brought up.

"No,"

"Why not?"

"Because he's an insane homicidal psychopathic bat-shit crazy demon spawn bastard,"

Everyone except for Steve swooned upon hearing this.

"What's his name?" Steve asked.

"Uchiha Itachi," was Sasuke's monotone reply.

"E - ta - chee," Steve rolled the name around in his mouth. "Well Sasuke, tell us why your brother is an insane homicidal psychopathic bat-shit crazy demon spawn bastard,"

"He just is," Sasuke sat down on a bench next to a black cloaked man reading a newspaper.

It was quiet for a few seconds. Then, the stranger slowly lowered his paper and turned his head to look at Sasuke. His arm moved upwards. A finger with a painted nail reached Sasuke's forehead and gently poked it.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!"

Sasuke screamed, jumping nearly ten feet in the air and falling on his butt. He staggered to his feet and pointed a shaking finger at none other than Uchiha Itachi. "You!"

"Me," Itachi carefully folded up his newspaper and set it down beside him. "The insane homicidal psychopathic bat-shit crazy demon spawn bastard,"

Sasuke's face turned pale. He began to sputter incoherent phrases.

"Foolish little brother," Itachi stood up and walked over to the babbling Sasuke. With a touch that was dangerously delicate, he took his brother's arm in his hand and stroked the still fresh cuts. "You lack hatred,"

Sasuke fell silent and watched his arm being violated. He didn't know whether to kill Itachi right now or to try and settle things peacefully.

"You getting this?" Steve whispered to Otis. The cameraman nodded an affirmative.

"Yes~" Itachi had an evil gleam in his Sharingan eyes. He began to think thoughts that must be censored for the sake of my - and your - innocence.

At this point, Sasuke decided to stand up for himself. "PERV!" he yelled, pulling away from Itachi and glaring at him. Sasuke then proceeded to pull out a kunai. "Me, you, fight, now,"

Itachi smirked. "Very well," It was quite obvious that he was somewhat disappointed. Still, he pulled out a shuriken. "Let us do battle," His eyes locked onto Sasuke's.

Sasuke made the grave error of looking into Itachi's eyes. He blinked and found himself on a bed, in an unfamiliar bedroom.

"What the hell is happening?" He said aloud, also noting that he was stark naked.

Itachi appeared in the doorway. "Seventy two hours," He walked towards the trembling Sasuke. "I have seventy two hours to do whatever I want to you," Off went the cloak, shirt, pants, and boxers. Sasuke froze as he saw his older brother take a riding crop off the wall.

"Let's get started," Itachi sultrily whispered. He grabbed Sasuke and threw him down onto his leg. The whip came down hard on Sasuke's back.

* * *

The television crew watched, dumbfounded. Sasuke was simply standing stock still, staring into Itachi's eyes. Itachi had his eyes fixed onto Sasuke, and there was the tiniest hint of a smile on his face.

"What's going on?" Steve murmured. "What is Itachi doing to Sasuke?"

* * *

Sasuke made a small noise of protest as he felt Itachi's arms wrap tightly around him. He glanced up at the clock on the wall. There were seventy more hours to go.

"That was fun, wasn't it?" Itachi softly whispered into Sasuke's ear. Instinctively, Sasuke stiffened. He began to seethe upon hearing Itachi's mocking chuckle. "Foolish brother. Do you know why I let you live?" Not waiting for Sasuke to answer his question, he continued. "You were so damn hot, even back then. When I was a teenager, I fondled myself to your picture. Now, even if I can't have you in real life, I can take you now. It's just as realistic. You are a virgin, right?"

"You sick perv!" Sasuke suddenly yelled, trying to wriggle out of Itachi's iron grip. "You are a shame to the Uchiha clan! Your pervy genjutsu is a shame to every Uchiha out there!"

"Aren't we the only two?" Itachi grinned.

Sasuke scowled and stretched his fingers. "You never know. There might be a few out there,"

Itachi smiled. "I doubt it. I did a pretty thorough job. I never leave anything unfinished," His arms stiffened slightly. "In fact, I don't think I'm quite done with you," He let go of Sasuke, only to grab his wrist. "Come here, you," The brothers disappeared under the covers.

* * *

A cricket chirped.

Steve looked quizzically at the quiet Itachi. This was proving to be a rather boring fight. "You're Itachi,"

"Yeah,"

"Well, pardon me, but could you possibly speed up the fight?"

Itachi let out a sigh of contempt. "Very well. Give me two more minutes,"

The next two minutes passed with little significance.

"Done," Itachi nodded, and the genjutsu was broken. Sasuke blinked a few times, then saw Itachi.

"I'll - I'll - I'll - " he stuttered quietly, apparently too traumatized and weak to do anything.

Itachi looked one last time at Sasuke, then walked away, out of Konoha.

"Well," Steve began, "Looks like our dear Sasuke has been pwned!" The camera panned to a weeping Sasuke.

"Leave me alone," Sasuke sobbed.

"Dude, we should probably leave the kid by himself. He looks pretty beaten," Otis said in a low voice to Steve.

Steve sighed. "Alright, let's go," He walked off, and the reluctant television crew followed.

Sasuke sniffled. He was very scared of Itachi now. Very.

* * *

AN: OMG UCHIHACEST! This story just got hot hot hot -fans self-

And, I know that Itachi knows Madara is alive and that Itachi spared Sasuke NOT because he was hot, but please bear with me. Review please?


	4. Chapter 4: Lunch

The sun was high in the sky, causing the television crew to sweat profusely.

"I didn't know it would be so hot here," Vivian panted, wiping the sweat off her brow.

"If it's so hot, then why don't you take off your jacket?" Steve said irritably.

Vivian was silent.

"Look guys," Lucy finally said. "It's been about an hour now. We should go hunt down Sasuke,"

"We should!" Joel enthusiastically agreed.

"Then it's settled," Steve weakly smiled.

So, the television crew went of to find Sasuke.

"There he is!"

The crew swarmed around Sasuke like flies swarm around trash cans.

"Ready to roll?" John gave a thumbs up.

Sasuke peeked out from the fetal position he was currently in. "I'm hungry,"

"Lunch!" Bridget announced. "Let's go have lunch! Were you thinking of any special place?"

"No,"

"Well then," Steve grinned, "How about Ichiraku Ramen Bar? I hear it's got rave reviews!"

"Whatever,"

They went off to eat, Sasuke clamming up whenever someone attempted to talk to him.

---

Ten minutes later

---

The entire television crew was loudly slurping away at ramen. Sasuke was quietly munching, occasionally sending shifty looks to anyone in the vincinity.

"HEY THERE SASUKE-KUN!"

Sasuke cringed at the voice.

Steve looked up from his food. His mouth broke into a huge smile. "My god, you're Naruto!"

Naruto looked at Steve. "Who are you?"

"I'm Steve Stevenson," The man grinned. "Would you like to be on T.V.?"

"What's T.V.?"

Steve sighed. This Naruto was quite a character. "Um, can we ask you a few questions?"

"Well, alright," The naive Naruto answered. He sat down opposite Steve. "Fire away,"

"What do you think of Sasuke?"

Naruto's eyes lit up. "He's my best friend! I love him sooo~ much! We have so much fun together and we work well together in missions," He paused to catch his breath, "I love ramen a lot," He gestured to his massive bowl of ramen, "But I love Sasuke-kun too! Once, we even-"

Sasuke's eyes bugged out.

"Kissed!" Naruto dropped the bomb.

"I see," Steve laughed. "And...what about Haruno Sakura? She's a member of Team 7,"

"Yes she is," Naruto restated. "Um...Sakura-chan is cool. But Sasuke-kun is even cooler!"

"Ah," Steve nodded. "And, well," His face turned red. "Have you and Sasuke ever, um, done the bedroom cha-cha?"

"WHAT??!?!" Sasuke shrieked in mortal agony.

"What's that?" Naruto innocently asked.

Steve scrunched up his face in the effort of trying to come up with more innuendoes. "Have your tadpoles ever met each other?"

Sasuke began to choke on his mouthful of ramen. Unfortunately, no one paid any attention to him. They were all focused on what Naruto would say next.

"What tadpoles?" Naruto nervously chuckled. He took a bite of ramen. "Delicious!"

"Apparently, you aren't quite understanding me," Steve firmly said. "Have you and Sasuke ever had relations?"

"Me and Sasuke-kun have a really good relationship, if that's what you mean," Naruto set down his bowl and let out a satisfied burp. "Well, I gotta go now. I have plans to catch butterflies with Gaara." He threw some money onto the table and got up, walking off into the distance.

"Catch butterflies with Gaara?" Sasuke repeated dumbly.

Steve shrugged. He turned to face the camera. "I must say, this is a rather disturbing twist. Uzumaki Naruto apparently has eyes for our dear Sasuke! What do you have to say?" A microphone was pushed into Sasuke's face.

The Uchiha blinked, then burst into tears.


	5. Chapter 5: EPIC SHOWDOWN

Sasuke laid down on his bed, his whimpers muffled by a pillow. So far, today had been absolutely horrible. He just couldn't keep his tears inside of him anymore.

"Naruto," he whispered, wiping away the last of the tears. Sniffling one last time, Sasuke sat upright and felt his wounds. Knowing what he had to do, he got up and headed out of his apartment, out into the crazy world.

As Sasuke was blinking from the bright sunlight, the T.V. crew flocked to him and began to gush over him.

"Oh emm gee are you alright?"

"We've been trying to find you for ages!"

"Are you gonna kick Naruto's ass?"

Steve impatiently clapped his hands. "Chop chop people! Remember, professionalism,"

"Oh, right," The crew fell silent and backed away from Sasuke.

"I was just going to take a walk," Sasuke raised an eyebrow, "Alone,"

Steve frowned. "But you're on a T.V. show! We have to stalk you like crazy fangirls,"

Lucy winced.

"Whatever," Sasuke walked off. Steve and the others followed.

"Hey, what's that?" Joel piped up, pointing to a mass of black and red up ahead.

Sasuke instantly recognized them. He began to sweat.

"Oh emm gee, it's the A-kat-soo-kee!" Vivian exclaimed, giggling.

Sure enough, it was the Akatsuki. And, as they approached, closer and closer, Sasuke shut his eyes and began to pray. His day could not possibly get any worse than this.

Or could it?

"Hello, little brother,"

Sasuke looked up at Itachi. He tried to say something, but his mouth was too dry for speech. Sasuke looked around and saw the other members of Akatsuki standing in a defensive pose.

"You brought your little friends," he managed to say after a long time.

Itachi's smirk turned into a sneer. "They're not little," He looked behind himself, then looked back down at Sasuke. "I brought them because, well," He scratched his neck nervously.

The camera continued to roll.

"Well, um, because I wanted to!" Itachi grinned. "We will destroy you like the little weakling you are!"

Sasuke's face turned red. He began to laugh. "Itachi-kun, you're so funny,"

Meanwhile, as Itachi was fuming, Zetsu got bored and wandered off. Soon, he came across a bed of brightly colored flowers.

"Oh, what do we have here?" He said, settling into the flowers and sniffing their fragrance. "You are all so beautiful," Zetsu sighed with passion, getting the sudden urge to write poetry. "IT'S RAPE TIME~" his darker side said.

Itachi was screeching at Sasuke when Kakuzu saw a nearby bank, and decided to rob it.

A few minutes later, Hidan had also left, most likely to perform a ritual.

An hour later, Itachi was still shouting at his brother. The camera had run out of film, and Steve was rather pissed off. However, he did not dare to intervene, as that might prove fatal. It was a rather wise choice on his part.

The other members of Akatsuki that were still with Itachi had long since lost their patience.

"Screw this, un," Deidara cried out, throwing his arms up. "I'm leaving. Come, Tobi," He quietly laughed at his private joke.

"Okay, Deidara-senpai!" The two left, leaving Leader, Konan, and Kisame at Itachi's side.

Soon, Leader turned to Konan. "This is boring. Wanna get a hotel room?"

"Sure," Now Kisame was the only other Akatsuki member with Itachi. The shark man tugged nervously at his collar.

Itachi finished cussing out Sasuke. He looked behind himself and went ballistic. "WHERE IS EVERYONE ELSE??!?!"

"Um~" Kisame sweat dropped. "Well, you see, Itachi-san, um, ah,-"

"Cut the crap!" Itachi said disgustedly. "Where did everyone go?"

"Do you really want to know?"

Itachi sighed. He turned back to Sasuke and flipped him off. "Now look at what you've done," He then proceeded to unleash a tidal wave of anger, profanity, and rape threats onto Sasuke.

Kisame became bored. He left the battle scene to wander around the streets of Konoha.

"What do we have here?" He wondered aloud, pulling open the door of a building that resembled a concrete block. Stepping in and closing the door behind him, a sight greeted him that the shark man would never forget.

"Fuck," A steady stream of blood began to fall from Kisame's nostrils, for there in front of him stood the three most beautiful shark women he had ever seen in his life. They were scantily dressed, leaving very little to the imagination.

The one with a long blue ponytail noticed Kisame first. "Hey there!" She sauntered over to him. "You ready for the time of your life?"

"Yes," Kisame agreed stupidly, having been reduced to a horny shark with little to no ability to think through his actions.

The other two shark women came up to Kisame. "Ready when you are," one winked.

"Baby, I'm ready anytime," The four shark people headed into a room. They then proceeded to do the "bedroom cha-cha". It would be the single greatest moment of Kisame's life.

However, Kisame would eventually engage in the single worst moment of his life as soon as Itachi noticed he was the only Akatsuki member left.

"Dammit!" He yelled, blinking angrily.

"Itachi, leave," Sasuke smirked. "I'll kill you another day,"

"Very well," Itachi spat, obviously defeated. He left to go find his fellow Akatsuki members.

Sasuke watched him leave, a triumphant smile shining on his face.

"Wow, Sasuke," Vivian swooned, "You're so awesome,"

"You totally pwned Itachi!" Joel beamed.

"HAVE MY BABIES!" Bridget cried, falling to the ground and kissing Sasuke's feet.

Everyone stared strangely at her.

"Uh...heh heh, sorry about that," Bridget got back up and brushed herself off.

"Where to now?" Steve asked Sasuke.

"Training," Sasuke walked off and the television crew followed him.

* * *

AN: The next chapter will be longer :)


	6. Chapter 6: The Insider's View

They came to a fenced off area.

"You all can go now," Sasuke said coldly. "I need to train privately,"

Steve sighed. Maybe it was a good idea to leave the kid alone for a while. After all, Sasuke wasn't like anyone he had gotten on a show before. "Alright, let's move it gang,"

The television crew began to whine like little puppies. It was a dreadful sight to behold.

"We'll do stuff," Steve said irritably. "Otis, you got film?"

"Yeah,"

"Let's go. I have a plan,"

The television crew left.

Sasuke watched their receding forms. He began to stretch. His training was very important to him. He would need it to defeat Itachi. But, it had to be quality training, too. Orochimaru had drilled that lesson into him many times over.

Taking a drink of water, Sasuke shuddered upon recalling his memories of the time he had spent with Orochimaru. What had happened between them was strictly confidential. No one else needed to know...especially Steve. Sasuke did not want his dirty laundry to circulate the entire world. He set down his water bottle. Now was the time to get down to business.

* * *

Any normal person would have gone insane by now. But Steve was no normal person.

"Stevie~"

"You're so meeen~"

"I hate chu~"

The man sighed. He could barely take all this whining. Even if he could stand it, he still didn't like it. His own two kids didn't whine this much.

"Shut up, all of you. We're going to go dig up some dirty laundry on Sasuke,"

"Yay!" Joel cried in glee.

"We are?" Lucy asked inquisitively.

"Yes," They went off into town, looking around.

"Aha!" Steve exclaimed. The entire T.V. crew ran over to a silver haired man with a mask and a book in front of him.

"You're Hah-tah-kay Kah-kah-shee, right?"

Kakashi looked up from his book. "Yeah,"

Steve got excited. In fact, the last time he had been this excited was back in high school, during a certain incident involving the homecoming queen, ice cream, and a trunk of "special" items.

...but I digress.

"You know Naruto?" Steve asked.

"Oh yes," Kakashi closed his single showing eye with joy. "Naruto's quite a kid,"

"And Sasuke?"

Kakashi blinked. "He's dark and twisted, but I think Naruto's got the hots for him,"

"Really," Steve thought back to the lunchtime incident.

"Really," Kakashi looked longingly at his book. "They've done loads of stuff together. I think that's why Naruto was so crushed when Sasuke left the village a few years ago. But he's back now, so I guess everything's alright," He paused, then resumed talking. "And, well, once they...um, I don't really want to say," Kakashi went back to reading his beloved book.

It seemed as if Steve could not milk any more Sasuke dirt out of Kakashi. However, the ever hard working television show host decided to go the extra mile and act chummy with Kakashi. "Wat'cha reading?" He bent in to see what Kakashi was so engrossed with.

Kakashi quickly closed it. "Nothing!"

However, Steve had already gotten a glimpse of the picture in the book. His eyes got wide. "Oh my, you're a naughty boy!"

"Get away!" Kakashi shouted so threateningly that the crew instantly receded. Satisfied, he went back to reading.

The television crew wandered around, reflecting on what had just happened.

"What a perv," Steve grumbled.

Joel looked up from the ground and saw a certain Hyuuga branch house member with long brown hair. "OH EMM GEE LET'S GO INTERVIEW HER!"

The crew dashed to the attractive ninja, microphones at the ready.

"Hey there, hot stuff," Steve winked in an attempt to seduce the stranger.

Neji blinked. "Are you gay?"

All the members of the television crew screamed.

"IT'S A GIRL WITH A LOW VOICE! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!" Joel screeched, running around like a chicken with it's head cut off. The others followed suit.

"I'm a boy," Neji said flatly.

Everyone stopped and stared.

"A boy," Steve repeated dumbly.

"Yes, a boy," Neji looked curiously at the dumbfounded T.V. crew members. "You there, are you gay?"

Steve ignored Neji's question, instead choosing to ask his own question. "What's your name?"

"Neji,"

"Well, Neh-jee," Steve smiled yet another of his dazzling smiles, "Do you know Sasuke?"

"Suppose so,"

"What do you think of him?"

Neji blinked. "Well," he began, "I think he is very emo and yet very sexy. Plus, he's got a huge dick,"

Steve's face went pale. "Wha-how-huh-" He stammered, obviously traumatized. "How big?" He finally managed to say, fearing the answer he would receive.

"Huge, man," Neji chuckled. "A whole foot at the max,"

"Well," Steve smiled weakly, sweat forming on his brow. He decided to ask a question he dreaded asking. "Um, ah, how do you know that?"

Neji motioned to his eyes. "Byakugan, man. It kicks ass,"

"Alright," Steve smiled again. "Thank you," They left hastily, leaving Neji to his own fantasies about Sasuke.

"Perv," John shuddered.

"Hey, how about him?" Maybe they would get some useful information after all...maybe. Undaunted, the crew ran over to the man.

"Name?" Steve prompted.

"JIRAIYA-SAMA OF THE HIDDEN LEAF VILLAGE!!"

The entire crew blinked.

"Jee-rye-yah-sah-mah," Steve carefully said, conveniently butchering the name at the same time. "So, do you know Sasuke?"

"Um...yes,"

"Excellent!" Steve beamed. "Can you tell me anything about him?"

"Not really," Jiraiya admitted. "I only know his sensei well. We're really good friends,"

Steve nodded, but then went pale. "KAKASHI?"

"Yeah, him," Jiraiya smiled as he began to reminiscence about the good times. "He loves the books I write,"

Steve went even paler. "You...write...books...that...he...likes?"

"Yes!" Jiraiya beamed. "My next one's coming out in a month. Want to read a chapter preview?"

"AAAAAAAAAAA!!!" The crew fair ran for their lives, screaming bloody murder.

Jiraiya watched them leave. "Huh," He muttered, standing up. "Maybe Kakashi would like to read it,"

* * *

The television crew was now at the other side of town, panting heavily.

"This whole fuckin' town's full of pervs," Steve gasped. He took out a handkerchief and mopped his brow with it. "I mean, come on,"

"Come on," Joel spat.

"Alright gang, let's go," Bridget looked back. "Maybe the next person we meet won't be a pervert,"

"And pigs can fly,"

Bridget smacked Otis, sending him and his camera equipment into a conveniently nearby mud puddle. "Screw you!"

"Now look at what you've done," Steve shook his head and sighed. He took a drink of water and began to swish the liquid around in his mouth. "That all cost $1000," he gargled, then swallowed. Instantly, he made a face and spat out his mouthful of pond water. "WHO FUCKING REPLACED MY FUCKING VITAMIN WATER WITH THIS FUCKING FILTHY POND WATER SHIT?!!!??" He yelled in a very Hidan-esque moment. Steve then knelt down to look at what he had just spat out. "And there's fucking tadpoles in here!"

The rest of the crew exchanged suspicious glances. Who could have done such a thing?

"Hello there!"

Everyone turned to look at the offender.

"Naa-roo-toh," Steve said tersely, butchering Naruto's name in the process. "You little fucker!" He lunged at the Kyuubi and proceeded to beat him into oblivion.

"Ah,that hurts," Naruto cried out, trying to get away from the snarling Steve.

"Stop it," Vivian pulled Steve away from Naruto. "We have a job to do,"

"A job. Right," Steve glared daggers at the still perky Naruto. "Let's go," They walked off to look for more victims. Steve was still picking bits of moss, seaweed, and fish remains out of his teeth.

"Hello there!"

The television crew looked up to see none other than Gai, wearing his signature green outfit and a dazzling smile that could compete with Steve's own pearly whites.

"Gay, right?" Steve asked.

Gai frowned. "No, Gai, as in Guh-eye,"

"Gay," Steve continued, "Can you tell us anything about Sasuke?"

Gai thought for a moment. "Nah," He shrugged. "And my name is not pronounced like that! You take all the youthfulness out of it!"

"Whatever," Steve's gaze slowly travelled down, surveying Gai. His eyes bulged out and his face turned red. Beads of sweat began to trickle down his forehead. "My god," Steve slightly panted, quickly turning around. He fell to the ground and promptly threw up.

"Hey, there's a bit of noodle!" Joel exclaimed, examining the barf.

Gai looked somewhat perplexed. "What's wrong?"

Steve wore an expression of utter horror on his face. "WE MUST FLEE BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE!!" He screamed, running for his life. His crew ran after him, screaming as well, though none of them really knew what had just happened.

Gai looked down at himself. He shrugged and went off to praise Lee for doing youthful things.

* * *

By now, the television crew had stopped running, and were now at a brisk trot.

"What happened back there?" Lucy questioned Steve.

Steve looked Lucy straight into the eye. "That man...did you see what he was wearing? Any man who wears a tight green bodysuit and bright orange legwarmers does not, I repeat, does not deserve to be called a man! Not at all!" He resumed his pace, and the others hurried to keep up with him.

"Sasuke's mine, pink-whore!"

"No, Sasuke's mine, pig!"

Steve perked up. His ears searched for the source of the sound. This might be very interesting.

"There!" He suddenly exclaimed. The crew ran over to the squabbling girls.

"You two know Sasuke?" Steve breathlessly asked.

The blonde girl turned and looked at the television crew curiously. "We know Sasuke," she said slowly.

"We do," Her companion, the pink haired girl, agreed.

Steve smiled. These girls looked innocent enough. "Could you tell me your names?"

"Sakura,"

"Ino,"

"Alright then, Saah-koo-rah and Ee-noh, what can you two tell me about Sasuke?"

"Sasuke-kun?" Sakura's eyes lit up. "He's my best friend! He loves me and I love him, and one day we will get married," A small sigh of passion escaped from her lips.

Ino's jaw dropped. "You lie, Sakura! Last night, I went over to Sasuke-kun's apartment and we made love all night long. He told me that he wants ME to bear his children," She shot a glare at Sakura. "Besides, do you really think that Sasuke-kun will want his offspring to have pink hair?"

Sakura growled slightly as Ino stood, satisfied. "DIE, INO-PIG!" The pink haired girl lunged at Ino. They then proceeded to have a fierce catfight.

The television crew watched Sakura and Ino fight for a while, but gradually lost interest. They walked off towards the general direction of the place where Sasuke was training.

"Jesus, this whole village is full of creeps," Otis shuddered, using a tiny plastic camera that served as his plan B.

"It's not all that bad," Bridget shot at him, thinking of Sasuke.

There was a whoop of glee, and before the television crew could realize what was going to happen, a stark naked boy with brown hair and red face markings ran by, accompanied by a huge dog with white and brown fur. The boy stopped for a moment to wave at the shocked crew. He was grinning from ear to ear. Then, he ran off with his hog, who was barking joyously.

The crew stood, dumbfounded.

"I rest my case," Otis said firmly.

Bridget glared at Otis. "Don't push me,"

The television crew continued on to the training grounds where Sasuke would surely be. At least...he should be there. Otherwise...there would be hell to pay.

* * *

AN: Yay for name butchering xD


	7. Chapter 7: End

Sasuke slumped down onto a nearby bench and grabbed his water bottle. Gulping down it's contents in seconds, he threw down the vessel and reached for his towel. He wiped off most of the sweat on his forehead, then threw down the towel. He pushed himself up and stretched his arms. Today's training had been very god. He had worked hard and done well. Satisfied with himself, he walked down to the nearby showers to rinse off.

The television crew watched him, hidden behind leafy bushes.

"Tell me again, why are you refusing to go and interview Sasuke about his training?" Steve grumbled.

None of them answered him. They were all staring intently at Sasuke, seeming to be in their own little world.

"Those abs," John murmured.

"Those arms," Lucy whispered lustily.

"Those legs," Vivian sighed with passion.

"That bulge," Joel giggled gleefully.

"That hair," Otis muttered.

Bridget turned and gave Otis THE LOOK. "His hair? That duck-butt of a hairstyle? You're fucking retarded,"

Now it was Otis' turn to give Bridget THE LOOK. "Sasuke's hair is very, very sexy, for a matter of fact, and I will cut you if you dare challenge me on that fact,"

"He's gone!" Joel shrieked, pointing to the desolate area in front of them.

The bushes rustled fiercely as the television crew jumped out of them.

"Where'd he go?" Lucy exclaimed.

"There!" shouted John, making odd arm motions towards a wall with steam rising from behind it. "He must be taking a shower!"

Except for Steve, all the television crew members began to swoon with passion.

However, Steve had an evil expression on his face. "Shower, eh?" He pulled out a large sombrero from out of nowhere and plopped it on his head. Then, he produced a pair of maracas and began to shake them. "Vamanos! Let's go!" Steve sang in a very Dora-like falsetto voice.

The others exchanged glances, worried for the mental condition of Steve. But, the feeling soon passed over, and was replaced by the utter desire to see Uchiha Sasuke in all his manly glory. So, they hurried after a skipping Steve.

Sasuke shut his eyes, letting the warm water overwhelm him. The crew member's heads slowly popped out from behind the wall, their eyes wide.

"Dear God, it's bigger than I would have every imagined!" Joel excitedly said under his breath.

"Shh," hushed Vivian. She seemed to be unable to take her eyes off Sasuke.

Steve looked somewhat impaitient. "Come on people! Let's go talk to him," His voice was very loud, and the others jumped in fear. However, the water was so loud around Sasuke's ears that he couldn't hear very well.

"I said, VAMANOS!!" Steve screamed so loudly that Itachi, ten hours from Konoha, winced, as did the rest of the Akatsuki, who were carrying him like he was a prince.

"Move faster!" Itachi commanded.

"Tell me again, why am I doing this?" Leader groaned, awkwardly turning his head to look at Itachi.

The Uchiha glared coldly at Leader, his Sharingan activated.

Leader shuddered and resumed his original position.

Meanwhile, back in Konoha, Sasuke had very clearly heard Steve's voice. He turned off the water and his gaze wandered to where the sound had come from. He began to blush, and quickly grabbed a nearby towel. Wrapping it around his waist, he administered THE LOOK.

"Were you all peeping on me?" Sasuke slowly said, staring down the television crew members. He received no answer. "You pervs," he sighed and shook his head. "You know, I worked on my genjutsu just now, and I guess you all are as good enough to practice on as anyone else," His eyes locked onto fourteen other terrified eyes.

A few minutes passed. Then, Sasuke blinked and his eyes returned to their normal black. He smiled as he saw the crew members blinking and looking at him, wearing expressions of fear.

"This..." John slowly said.

"We should go," Vivian murmured anxiously.

"Let's," Steve agreed.

The television crew staggered off into the distance, never again to return to Konoha.

Sasuke watched them leave, smiling deviously. He had certainly given them a taste of their own medicine, what with seventy two hours of being interviewed and followed around everywhere.

But the sunset was already here. It was now time to go home.

And so he did, walking to his apartment, where Neji, Naruto, Sakura, and Ino would be waiting...and soon be driven away.

* * *

THE END

AN: "vamanos" means "let's go", if you didn't know.

And the other Akatsuki members were carrying Itachi b/c they abandoned him back in Konoha (chap. 5), so they are atoning for their sin.

Plus, Itachi threatened them all with 72 hours of torture.

Well, I hope you liked this story. Review please?


End file.
